Asking for help

Examine the factors that may cause you to hesitate when deciding whether or not to reach out
Reframe your attitude towards accepting the support of others

When asking for help, do you worry about taking up someone else’s time?

Do you feel like a burden to others when asking questions?

Though uncomfortable at first, be prepared to open yourself up to receiving help. If the opportunities present themselves: take it.

Make a note of where this reluctance is coming from

Ask yourself:

What worries you about calling out for help?
Have you met with or spoken to your academic support staff?
Is past experience or a feeling of the unknown causing you to think twice?

Below are words and phrases related to the feelings that people have, as they are about to seek help. Have any of them crossed your mind lately?

Surrendering control
Not wanting to appear needy/demanding
Frustration
Fear of rejection
Uncertain expectations
Burden

Some of these words may resonate with you at one time or another.

These reservations are natural, we all have these thoughts to some degree. Feeling this way, in of itself, should not stop you from seeking help.

Take a moment to review your situation. This can help you gain perspective on why you are feeling this way, and plan your next steps.

Example

Think about a challenging project you have, perhaps one that is worrying you.

Below, we walk through some of the thoughts and decisions that you may have, as you go through the process of tackling the challenges.

Examine the obstacles in your project. Ask yourself questions with the aim to clarify each item, some:

You will know the answers to straightaway
You will have an inkling of, and you'll be able to figure it out along the way
You have no idea how to begin and/or confused about

Gathering viewpoints from someone else may well be an appropriate next step, particularly if you are stuck on issues. It could be the most efficient and logical action for that particular problem.

Sometimes it can be helpful at this early stage to speak to someone. By voicing any questions or concerns, this might in turn clear up your own thinking.

Scenario: “You’ve yet to write your references for your assignment, and have a formatting question. You can’t find guidance that answers your specific question on the VLE or library website. Your first thought is that you don’t want to disturb your tutor/librarian.”

Thoughts that may run through your head:

Can I overcome this on my own?
If not, who do I approach?
Is it worth trying further to work this out on my own?
Is this issue too small to ask for someone's help?
Will a friend or colleague have the expertise/experience to answer this question?
What might my tutor or a librarian think of me for asking this question?

The uncertainty and/or fear around the possible feedback and reaction from others – a sort of judgement – may be holding you back.

Your options:

Investigate the issue further, keep trying to see whether you can figure it out by yourself
Ask colleagues and friends
Get outside of your comfort zone, and ask a staff member for help

The answer depends on individual scenarios. At times, it is worth persevering to try and problem solve issues that are worthwhile to your learning and development.

However, getting a little guidance can be part of the solution, and may be the most productive use of your time. It can be the smart thing to do.

Preparation to help ease your worries when you accept help

To get the most out of your questions, take a moment to clarify and write out what you need support with, being specific.

Example for the above scenario:

Where have you looked for guidance before: what statement in the existing guidance is unclear?
Is that guidance is missing? Or you can’t find the guidance, and require help on navigating to resources that are on the VLE?
Are there any hyperlinks, documents and screenshots that would be worth sharing?

The more precise you are, the easier it may be for your tutor/librarian to understand the issue and guide you further.

Seize the chance to pick someone’s brain

Now that you have reviewed the situation and have some background information ready: speak to someone.

You could pop into your library and speak to a subject librarian, they will be able to point you in the right direction and will be aware of support resources.

Don’t be put off by talking through your issue with someone, either meeting in-person or a virtual call, get outside of your comfort zone. These experiences are valuable development opportunities.

In most cases, people want to help and enjoy sharing advice

Studies have shown that when people asked strangers for help, these helpers felt more willing to support them (Zhao and Epley, 2022). In some cases, this is because it is an opportunity for helpers to practice and use their skills.

Over to you

Getting clarification on issues and speaking to others is an integral part of learning and development. The next time you ask for help, know that in all likelihood, the person on the other side is glad that you’ve asked them.

Note down any items that you're stuck with at the moment. Could any of them benefit with from someone else's input?

References

Zhao, X. and Epley, N. (2022) 'Surprisingly Happy to Have Helped: Underestimating Prosociality Creates a Misplaced Barrier to Asking for Help'. Psychological Science, 33(10), 1708–1731. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976221097615

National Health Service (2022) Reframing unhelpful thoughts. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-c… (Accessed: 16 December 2022).

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